In 2017, Here Are 10 Things on Instagram That Don't Need to Be Seen

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Ooh, a rainbow cheese pull and sprinkles on a sandwich (WHY LORD) and let’s get those nails in there too. Photo via Instagram by @revistatumexico.

I decided instead of writing my annual “the bore” rant of 10 things I don’t want to see in restaurants in the new year (trust, I was all ready to take down poke and overpriced omakase—you can read all my former the bore posts, all 11 years of them!) to doing something a little different this year.

Since Instagram pretty much determines the popularity of what we’re eating these days, I present the 10 food images I’m sick of seeing on Instagram. I have been guilty of a few of these image fouls myself, but I henceforth promise to do my part to not contribute to the same old Instagram visual lexicon that is beginning to make my brain hurt. Let’s change it up out there, gang! Join me? You too can prevent #genericinstafoodshots.

  1. Hand holding ice cream cone in front of a wall. Extra deductions: pastel nail polish, brightly colored wall as a backdrop that you walked two blocks to get to, taiyaki (fish-shaped cone) soft serve, ice cream dripping just so on fingers, colored cone, ice cream flavors chosen strictly for their color.

  2. Drippy egg yolk food porn. Extra deductions: video of yolk being pierced and running all over the plate, Boomerang of bread being dunked.

  3. Food stacking (especially a stacked sandwich or burger halves). Also applies to bagels, burritos, cookies, doughnuts with fillings. Extra deductions: gooey cheese pull strands, Sushirrito/sushi burrito, oozing egg sandwich, colored bread, hands holding the sandwich and in the shot strictly because of pastel or deathlike nail polish color.

  4. Hand holding up a burger or ice cream or sandwich or cupcake or whatever the fuck it is you’re eating in the middle of the street. (Did you really take your burger off your plate, tell your friends to hang on, run outside, and wait for traffic to clear so you could go in the middle of a busy city street and snap a picture of your burger? Let’s just pause for a second and take this all in.)

  5. Overhead table shot with different hands doing things oh so casually, like plucking a dumpling with chopsticks, reaching for a piece of cheese, or picking up a glass of rosé. “Susan, can you move your hand over to the oyster platter and pick the small one up? No, that one. OMGGGGGGG, this shot is so good!” Extra deductions: obviously staged placement of cell phone, sunglasses, book.

  6. Picture of cocktail/wineglass/glasses cheersing from a rooftop or balcony with the skyline/sunset in the background. Extra deduction: rosé.

  7. Hand holding glob of noodles with chopsticks above the bowl. Yo, your noodles are getting cold. (Also applies to a forkful of spaghetti.) Extra deduction: Boomerang of noodles going up and down.

  8. Goddamn feet in the bottom of the image while a hand holds trendy Instagram food item of choice (ice cream, macchiato, boba drink, poke bowl). Extra deduction: it’s a tiled floor that says something, shoes that are a bright color, there is a dog.

  9. Gloopy sundae or milk shake with melting ice cream and sauces dripping down the sides. Extra deductions: there are doughnuts on the ice cream, candy, sugary cereal, cookies, excessive sprinkles that would chip your veneers. Anything from New York’s Black Tap.

  10. Eating for the Insta. People, please. Stop ordering food that is only meant to be fetishized for Instagram and then, wait for it…you don’t even eat it? Every time you rip apart a doughnut for a slo-mo video and throw it away after the shot, you should donate to your local food bank as penance.